Day's since last episode: 45
I write this because it's my brother's birthday today and I cannot call him to wish him a happy 23'rd.
Right here on the wall is a series of lines and crosses as I keep a track of the last time my temper showed up. As I put that cross through that line of four I kept thinking back today to that awful day in February where I threw him out of my apartment in a fit of anger. The thought that he had spent the 24 hours wandering around an alien city all by himself holding a bag of clothes hastily stuffed in. Or the thought of all the money he had saved over the year for this trip with his brother who; he hadn't seen in two years...fuck! as I wrote that line...like right here and now I want to slit my throat, punch a wall and drown in a vat of acid. All of today I oscillated between picking up the phone and calling him..just a quick have a great day and hang up before any awkwardness.
I finally didn't make the call. I choose instead to send an SMS, just keep it simple and polite i told myself, include a god bless to remind him who is older, then, sit back and burrow a hole in the sand and shove my head in. All I expected was a curt 'thanks'. Instead he wrote back a cheerful 'I'm having a great day and thanks so much for wishing me'
I should have messaged back ...something like let's talk sometime soon I'm looking forward to hear what's going on' instead I went back to shoving my head down the hole I'd made.
Temper Temper. Tch Tch. Such an awful waste of time. I once wrote a story about a man who'd handcuff himself to a pillar as soon as his temper showed up. He'd snarl and abuse his wife who'd sit a few feet away. She'd never leave the room. She'd just sit there waiting for the temper to pass and then walk over and give him the key when the anger abated. One day she guesses wrong and the moment he's free; he lunges at her and beats her so badly that she cannot use her eye again and her left nipple sits in a jar of alcohol at the local police station. He eventually kills himself.
Somehow whenever I go back and read that piece I always picture me handcuffed to that rail and screaming expletives. That happens exactly at 3 in the morning on a work day which ruins my sleep. What follows is a solemn vow never to get angry again.
After a couple of days I'd have another temper fit and we'd be back to square one. In all fairness to the four voices in my head it's become less frequent in the past year but when it comes I just wish I was somewhere else but here.
The three voices in my head and I have correctly deduced that its the fourth voice that's causing all the fuck ups and he (can you fucking believe it) is in charge of all the sudden rush of blood to the head. We're working to remove him from the equation but he is a tenacious bastard.
So, my smarter, funnier more good looking brother the one gift I can offer you this year is 45 days of anger free APSD - the longest I've gone without an episode. I hope somewhere in that hurt heart of yours you'd be glad.
....for you shall be tomorrow, like you have been today , If this was never ending what more can you say?
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